For as long as I can remember I have always believed that I would find that one for me. That person who I was so proud to call mine and they proud to call there own. I believed that if I ever found such a person that the love we had would be so strong nothing could tear it apart.
I so strongly believed that this person existed after all I had seen others have it, it was even found in the bible these type of relationships. After all God even said that he would cause man and wife to cleave to each other. I knew that existed and all my life I believed I would find it.
In my search I looked all the wrong places. I found myself time and time again subject to the same pattern. A certain persistent crucible . It went a little something like this. Yeah I realize you want to give me your all but, I just got hurt bymy ex and I’m never giving my all to anyone else. Or my ex just put me thru so much hell and he said he loved me and you say you love me but when he said he loved me he cheated on me he used me and so I don’t believe that it means much and you shall now jump thru 500 fiery hoops to prove to me you love me and if at any point I’m not satisfied then you sir have completely wasted your time because I will move on.
Or I have been there done that in my past relationships I’m so not into what you want now because its nothing new and I’m not impressed or care about what your talking about. Or it’s the your good but your not exactly what I’m looking for. So what will happen is I will keep you around knowing I’m not fully happy so incase my Mr Right comes along then i’ll replace you and or cheat on you (you’ll never find out right?) after all, I’ve given my heart to men in the past so you say you want me then you’ll do what I think is necessary for you to please me and, i’ll do what is necessary to please myself because after all I need to look out for me and protect myself. You? What about you? Well you asked to be with me now didn’t you?
When I looked back I absolutely did. I asked to be with them because I saw something most of the time that was just a shell of a person. After they had been gutted from a previous relationship and because I happened to come along right as they where going thru or getting away then at first it seemed great because I was something there ex wasn’t. But after a while I wasn’t what they really wanted. I was too much. Too kind, too giving, too trusting, I was about them too much and I didn’t try to control them. I was too faithful too them (honestly at some point he has to cheat on you right?). I was too forgiving (they pushed and pushed and pushed to test me when I already offered my best from the beginning). How boring. At some point I had to become this rude argumentative person cause after all that’s what they all did. But I never was and I never did.
I felt something has to be wrong with me. Why when I did the things I was supposed to do did it feel like I was getting punished. Punished for every bad relationship before me. I wasn’t able to be given to because they already gave there all and best to people before me who took it all and did them dirty.
When looking back I still believe that if they truly understood who I was and what I was offering them it would be so simple to just let go and let true love happen. But then I realized this. I could never do enough, I could never love enough, I could never sacrifice enough to be good enough for a person if they were not open to receive me. I would always be rejected, I will always be not quite enough to totally make them satisfied. When its for you it’s freely given to you. It has no constraints on it, no contracts or conditions. It is not predicated on another persons past actions its all about you and that person. When its truly freely given to you, you will be enough and there will never be a need to be entertained by others, your ego stroked by other people or your happiness found in transient temporary pleasures and people.
Looking back I realized it was simple no matter how perfect of a key you are if the lock doesn’t fit it doesn’t fit. No matter how much forcing you do you cannot unlock their heart door. Forcing it only hurts you and waste your time, emotions, money and confidence and makes them see you as expendable and not really a necessity in there life. They been thru so much that no matter what you do it will not matter. Your life and heart is not that important they have to work on there own heart first.
I cant tell you how many times I had to stand in the shadow of someone’s ex. No matter how shitty they treated the girl they still where the reason I was put thru hell and the gauntlet and ultimately had to leave because I was never given that 100% they so faithfully gave that person. Most of the time because they didn’t have it to give anymore. And honestly to them I wasn’t worth that effort because what if it failed then. I was not good enough for them to give what they gave before. I wasn’t worth it.
Despite that I still believe that love exist. I believe there is someone who can love you past themselves and past there past. Someone who can recognize you for who you are let you flourish and grow into a beautiful mate. I still believe that love conquers all and that if everyone is all in there’s no way you can lose. I know that despite the many times I have been crushed with tears streaming down my face because I was forced once again to pay for the deeds of another man that if I can love thru that then maybe one day someone will think enough of me to love me thru it too.
I still believe in agape love and being more then enough of a man that makes my woman proud to call her own, proud to share everything with and wakes up glad I’m in there life. Even tho there’s days where my faith and confidence is tried I remember who made me and what he thinks of me.
If I’m never enough for anyone on this earth then when I leave at least they will know that I loved hard, I forgave often, I was stepped on but never stayed down. I would give my last, for what profits a man to gain the world but lose his soul. I believed in love and the power of it. I believed that we all fall short and I can never feel better then another. And if I’m blessed to have another day getting to love the woman that is so important to me then my life and all its hardships and troubles would have been worth it to learn this lesson on how to love.
Glasses:Sorgo Tort SG
Fit: HHC Eli Ensemble