Kicks off the high heels, takes off the clothes of another hard day’s work and walks down by the ocean to listen to the soft words to calm the ever so restless soul that I have. I am now vulnerable to the night and the ocean who have beckoned me as they have heard my cry in silence for so long. I sit on the dock as the water creeps to my feet to welcome me and I start to speak.
Ocean, may I be transparent tonight? I have let the disappointments of my life bound me in such a way that I have kept so many things quiet over the years afraid that I would be judged, rejected, ridiculed, when all I wanted was for people to love me. I hid behind a smiling face when it was hurt that I would bare day in and day out. So many tragedies have happened that have kept me from reaching my true potential and destiny and now I just need to be free to be me and not what people portray me to be.
Let’s go back in time when I was a teen getting pregnant at the age of sixteen. Never being taught about sex and the influence of friends deciding to lose my virginity, not recognizing how precious my body is. How about being in a controlling relationship where your boyfriend handcuffs you to the bed, has sex with you at his discretion and doesn’t take you home for days and your mother doesn’t even question your whereabouts? Then in a drunken state he tries to throw you off a four story building?
How about a mother who takes you to a psychiatrist because she thinks you’re having an affair with her boyfriend, then wakes you up at midnight and takes you on a run over to his apartment has you knock on his door only to find that he has some other girl up in his shack. Never got that apology. I am a child of only thirteen.
As life precedes on its filled with loveless relationships, owning an female escort company (one that spans four states) while still holding down a full time position so you are never caught. You live in a five thousand square foot home where your girls meet for tea every Sunday to exchange that pretty green stuff that can buy you the world.
Being married several times and always picking the wrong partner thinking they were the “it” guy when they were just the “it” guy right now. Having a problem with Co-dependency led to many broken marriage and unfulfilled relationships. Men who had drug and alcohol problem which I overlooked thinking I could be the one to help them, not realizing that I was broken myself. Two broken people, what a way to start a life together. Domestic Violence I have experience because of alcohol abuse and because I am a Co-Dependent I justified his actions until he tried to kill me and my children there watching as he takes an extension cord and wraps it around my neck. This is when I knew it was time to fight back.
Fighting for my life with Cervical Cancer, having a third of my cervix removed saved me by the grace of GOD. How about losing a child that was twenty-two months old because of a physician’s negligence? Diagnosed with Clinical Depression at this point with Suicidal Ideation. Making a promise that there would never be anyone in my lifetime to ever come close to me to ever hurt me as I have already experienced all the pain I cared to go through.
Ocean, I have always known my destiny however; the fear of success has always been my weak point. My mother told me I would never amount to anything, my handwriting was horrible. At the age of 7 my mother told my dad she wished she never had me. This is such a burden for any child to bear. Forgive me Ocean, I know I am all over but I just needed to release it all. I am human, I have feeling and emotions as the next person. People who say they know me really have no idea of who I am or where I came from. I worked hard for everything I have. I never graduated from High School went on to get my GED. It wasn’t until a physician from Georgetown University Medical Center told me I had a gift and if I would just go back to school and receive a higher education so many doors would open up for me. That man was such a blessing in my life as I received my Bachelor’s. I kept getting the bug and went for a double major MBA/Healthcare Management. I have owned my own business, Finance is forte however; not my passion. Another physician crossed my path and told me I would be a great physician that “You have a Gift”, I truly didn’t want to become a physician so started my Ph.D. Having a great job in upper management however; something still missing.
Ocean, I questioned my purpose for so long. Who am I, where am I to be? I couldn’t find my way. Not realizing that my way had been in front of me all the time. How many times does something have to be presented in the same way, a different way, people brought into your life, leave your life and you still do not see it? That’s me, my blessing would come and go through over twenty years I just chose to ignore it.
Today, I am not ignoring it anymore “I will never be the same again”. Because of my pain, because of my breakthroughs and I continue to live and strive daily I am a ministry to tell my story. My struggles, my achievements could be what someone else needs to hear to pull themselves through. Power of life or death lies in the tongue and so I decide to speak and tell my struggles. I realize that I am a woman of significance and the enemy will come and try to attack me (people will talk about me, especially those that do not know me, yet form an opinion about me instead of asking me. Issues are solved by asking and receiving an understanding. I will be rejected and painted as this mean villain again, the enemy trying to get the best of me). I am a woman of significance and purpose and that was placed on me at an early age. It’s now my time to act on what has been bestowed upon me. I have the Faith and now I must do what I have been called to do. Whether there are five people who choose to follow me or five-thousand. My purpose was gifted to me long ago and there is not anyone on this earth that can take that away from me. Knowing me is reading my words, talking to me that the true knowing of who “I” am.
Peace Be Still, is what I always say and hold dear to my heart. I watch how things unfold for me. People are moved out of my life and in my life for a reason as it’s the next step in my journey. I always wish everyone well in their endeavors, I have no ill feelings although maybe disappointments but that is just the carnal side of me which fades in time.
Satan will not ever beat me (2 Corinthians 2:11-Lest Satan should get an advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices.). I have Faith and all it takes is the size of a mustard seed (Hebrews 11:1 – Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.)
Readers, Foes, Family, Friends; I sit before you as it may seem naked and very transparent in my life and all for a reason, I don’t need worldly possessions to make me, because I know how I am and I do not have to prove that to any one as you can and will see that through my actions because I am covered by the Armor of the Lord. I have been healed by the Word of GOD. I believe it, I life it. What my life is today, will be even better tomorrow because of my beliefs. Those storms will come in many different forms only to let me know that once that storm is over, I too shall rise.
Reign Congrejo Jameson A.K.A
Carletha Renee Ballou